I must either be insane or drunk (though I don’t drink?) to tell you about my biggest parenting failure. Many, maybe most parents won’t share this soft topic with others because well maybe, they don’t want to look like they are a bad parent. But this has nothing to do with being a bad parent. I am sure every single parent out there has a parenting failure at some point. But in no way does that make them a bad parent. So I am here to share with you what I feel is my biggest parenting failure.
As many of you already know, I suffer from anxiety. To be specific, health related anxiety. Now, don’t think I am here to blame it ALL on anxiety. But I will say, it plays a major role in my failure. Living with anxiety, there are good and bad days. I can go weeks being so happy and worry free. And then one day, any time during the day or night, the anxiety just hits me like a thousand bullets all at once. It’s like some fuse went out and I am in my mental state of anxiousness and fear.
When this anxiety hits, sometimes, it is debilitating. I become someone I am not. It’s like I am not in my own body, if that makes sense? I end up being bed bound, stuck in my room not wanting to deal with anyone or anything. I literally lose all patience. I want to be alone, by myself, yet not alone in a sense. And it is on these days that I feel I deal with my biggest parenting failure.
When dealing with anxiety on certain days, I literally, and don’t take it the wrong way, have no, and I mean ZERO patience for my kids. I get angry quickly for the most dumbest of things. I get upset at them quickly. And I know it is not their fault. And during these angry times, in my brain, I know I could be handling things differently. But I don’t. Because like I said, I don’t feel like I am in my own body – I literally do not feel myself. It is on these days that my kids hardly see me. All they know is mommy is in her room and doesn’t want to be bothered. And physically, I can’t bring myself to do anything. I can’t go help them with homework, make sure they shower, make and feed them dinner, bedtime, etc. It is hard. Trust me. And thankfully my husband steps up on these screwy days.
At this point, you may be wondering if I am even taking care of myself so that I don’t have these days where my parenting is non-existent. Probably thinking “I hope she is getting the help she needs so her kids don’t suffer.” And I am here to tell you that yes, I am doing things to help myself. I am seeing someone so that I can function on my off days and be there for my kids. Because of course, this is not fair to them. They are not to blame, but me. But you have to admit, sometimes, things are not in our control. Everyone has their moments. They just don’t share it with you. And this doesn’t make my kids love me any less. They are still obsessed with me. They know that when mommy has her off day, she doesn’t feel good.
So there you have it my lovely fans. My biggest failure as a parent. Now don’t think this is an everyday occurrence. This is literally randomly at certain times and only for a day or two. But I am working on it because I want to be there for my kids EVERYDAY without anything holding me back.